Time passes by so fast… I have known her for 8 months and we entered a semi-professional relationship. She explored with me all the places that caused me great distress. The journey has been tough and heart-breaking but I am glad that she was there to support me throughout the journey. It is one of my greatest blessings to have known her and entered into such a relationship with her. Besides, I got to learn some professional stances from her as well as being fed with some spiritual input. We explored on my self-worth issue, the role that I played in my family and how I can make better use of the support around me and not feel guilty about it. She exemplifies someone who is defiant when she knows what she wants. She reminds me of y.p. I could sense a rebellious child in them in which they also don’t deny. I can say for certain that I am a compliant child haha cos I feel uncomfortable to do things that displease my loved ones especially those that do not have clear answers e.g. whether it is ok to move out of home and if that has any relation to filial piety. When she asked about my impression of children who live apart from their parents not because of marriage but for other reason, I thought for a long while and I uttered “they are courageous.” I know she was trying to make me it from another perspective but I was and still am bounded by the familial tie that makes it difficult for me to make such a move unless something drastic happens. Now, I can only settle at the present moment as this is the only thing I can control to some extent. Future leaves it to the future. Who knows what may happen in the future? I am not even sure if I can live past today haha ;) I am happy that my yearnings for her have faded as usual. Now I have better control of my emotions now. I am happy that I am able to draw strength from God and through my idol. Hopefully I will learn to draw more strength from my peers too :) I also hope that I can establish super close bonds with the people in the hospice so that my support network would be widened :) However, the idea of having to reach out to ALL my non-Christian loved ones and share the Gospel makes me feel very scared. I don’t know how to discuss spiritual matters with people. I also don’t know how to explain why I am a Christian. I don’t like to challenge others and persuade them to see my point especially if they already have a religion on their own. I am afraid of losing the relationship by spreading the Gospels. But I love them and don’t want them to be condemned to Hell which is everlasting. Haiz… How I wish I am not aware of this truth. Then I wouldn’t have to face it and think of ways to make a difference. I don’t know if they can see where I am coming from. I don’t know if they will loathe me for my desire in seeing them acknowledging Christ as Saviour. I don’t know if I have the endurance to run this race for God. I don’t know if I have the wisdom to do evangelical work – how to be persuasive and not pushy. How to do it in a loving way and in a way that does not frighten people (You need to be a Christian else you will be condemned to Hell). If I were them, I would find this very turn-off. How to go about doing it? How to show that Christ loves us? This is especially daunting when I haven’t settled down in a church yet and don’t have the necessary support network. I cannot take my own sweet time to settle down in a church. The longer I drag, more time is gone. Haiz… Ye shu, jiu wo ba! :)

I realise I have been through a lot especially in recent years. The older I get, the more challenging it seems to get past whatever difficulties that lay my way. If you told me a few weeks ago that I would be estranged from my brother, I would think you got to be kidding!!! Come on! That is never the thing I would ever do in my entire life! No way would I do that! I must be out of my mind if that day ever comes. Lo and behold, that day really came. I never planned it to be that way – it just happened. Whenever my counsellors suggested to me that it would be better for me if I moved out of home due to the negative energy, I resisted it greatly. My values obstructed me in doing that. It is difficult for me to leave home and stay on my own if I am single. It seems unfilial for me to do that even though that is what I really want. That’s when Asian and Westerners are different. The former is collectivist while the latter is individualist. However, after having just gone through what I have just experienced with my brother, I realise nothing is absolute in this world. That decision came naturally – no form of inner struggle occurred before I typed the sms out and sent it to him. It was totally unlike me to say such things but I did. Guilt or remorse? No, not that I feel it now. I can’t guarantee that I won’t feel guilty for cutting off ties with him in the future, but at least for now, I have inner peace. No inner reprimanding for having done what I just did. I am a person of value too. I shouldn’t allow others, especially my loved ones to exploit and deceive me time and time again. I am made of flesh and blood and I am not a robot. I have feelings too. I have my own needs too. It’s ok if you can’t meet my needs or shower me with some kind of concern as a brother would, but please don’t treat me like dirt or a money tree that would splash $ down as and when you like. I am not indebted to you. You are responsible for your own life! Just because I don’t lend you money, it doesn’t mean that I have deprived you of a chance to start anew. Don’t make me responsible for all the choices that you make. Don’t make me doubt your sincerity. Haiz… Anyway, it’s all over! No point brooding over it. Life still goes on. Through many experiences that I have had, $ is really important. Thus, I need to better manage my $ and not spend it wastefully with no prudence at all. May God give me the wisdom to manage $. I really hope God would shed light how I changed from someone who spend future $ to someone who only buys what he/she can afford now. I really don't know how or when was this change brought about. I would love to know why :) Again, it seems to happen naturally. However, I know it is by no means chance that brought about this as I used to be someone who spent to satisfy strong urges. Amazingly, my punctuality issue is becoming less of a problem for me now. Haha I am talking about important appointments la. Appointments that I don't think are important e.g. useless lecture, I tend to be late still lol ;) But praise God still :)

Hmmm anyway on a side note, one thing is for sure. There are really no absolutes in this world. I can’t guarantee that I would not move out of home even if I am single. Probably one day when my father drives me up the wall till I can no longer tolerate his nonsense, I will say goodbye to my virtuous filial piety…

My friend has been sharing a great deal with me regarding her relationship woes. She knows of someone whom she likes and the guy seemed to like my friend initially. There were the regular smses, talking on the phone, and the likes of what couple-to-be would do. However, it came to a point where the guy’s interest in my friend seems to decline. My friend was not used to the reduction of frequency in their communication. There are some things that the guy does that seems to show he is not as attentive to my friend as before. My friend hates this grey area – where they are neither a couple nor platonic friends. Even though the guy did mention that both of them could give themselves more time to know each other better and see where this would take them, my friend still prefers a clearer indication or answer. Especially the fact that the guy seems to be so much busier now that he seldom smses my friend, it becomes even more confusing to her whether if there is a chance to further develop this relationship. Not only that, the guy is a passive person. All along, it has been my friend who initiated msn conservations, never once the guy. My friend is disappointed that sometimes the guy could just log offline without even saying bye to her. I told her that she is already having the expectation that he is her boyfriend and it would be great if she can withdraw and not plunge herself deeper into this relationship mess. However, that’s when the interesting part stepped in. Oh at least to me ;) She told me she can’t control herself from initiating conversations with him even though she hates him for being so passive. She can’t control the urge to think of him. Although I wonder how much does my friend know about this guy, I know bringing in this point is no longer important because she is blinded by love and hormone now haha ;) Logic no longer prevails and rarely does logic prevail over emotions lol ;) Obviously the advice of “why not use this time to get to know him better” doesn’t work because her heart demands to stay close to him. I also don’t know why I have the urge to blog this down, it is quite unlike me given my lazy nature haha ;p However, somehow I can feel her pain – where it is something that seems beyond control; you know you shouldn't do it but you still do it anyway. You know there is a hole right in front of you but you still choose to jump in. This kind of silliness is really beyond rationality. Only people who are bound by emotions would do such silly stuffs haha ;) The feeling of loss of control, confusion in how the other party may look at us, disappointment when the person doesn’t respond in the way we hope he/she would, hmmm, I guess it is something that many people can relate to. It can happen between couples, parent and child, siblings, friends, etc. We may not have undergone the same situations but the underlying emotions that we experience are fundamentally the same even though the context is different. In counselling, we call it universality. Thus, people draw strength through sharing and hearing from other people’s sharing. This also explains why I am a fervent fan of group work counselling :) May my friend be guided by her inner wisdom to see her through this distressing situation lol ;) Good luck and best wishes to her! Btw, she views me as her best friend. Wa seh, I was and still am 受宠若惊 (feel cherished cum surprised) :) After all, we don't know each other for very long, I didn't expect her to treat me as her best friend haha :) Yet I also feel a twinge of guilt because she is not my best friend. I haven't found a best friend yet but I am blessed to have many close friends who are all wonderful in nature. They come in different shapes and sizes lol ;) what I mean is they are all special to my heart :) Really hope that God can grant me a wise, compassionate and loving best friend and husband too! Really hope to be loved instead of being the caregiver all the time. I want some ME-time! Looking forward to fostering a good relationship with my idol in May. Need a lot of God's grace for that to take place manz haha ;)