Time passes by so fast… I have known her for 8 months and we entered a semi-professional relationship. She explored with me all the places that caused me great distress. The journey has been tough and heart-breaking but I am glad that she was there to support me throughout the journey. It is one of my greatest blessings to have known her and entered into such a relationship with her. Besides, I got to learn some professional stances from her as well as being fed with some spiritual input. We explored on my self-worth issue, the role that I played in my family and how I can make better use of the support around me and not feel guilty about it. She exemplifies someone who is defiant when she knows what she wants. She reminds me of y.p. I could sense a rebellious child in them in which they also don’t deny. I can say for certain that I am a compliant child haha cos I feel uncomfortable to do things that displease my loved ones especially those that do not have clear answers e.g. whether it is ok to move out of home and if that has any relation to filial piety. When she asked about my impression of children who live apart from their parents not because of marriage but for other reason, I thought for a long while and I uttered “they are courageous.” I know she was trying to make me it from another perspective but I was and still am bounded by the familial tie that makes it difficult for me to make such a move unless something drastic happens. Now, I can only settle at the present moment as this is the only thing I can control to some extent. Future leaves it to the future. Who knows what may happen in the future? I am not even sure if I can live past today haha ;) I am happy that my yearnings for her have faded as usual. Now I have better control of my emotions now. I am happy that I am able to draw strength from God and through my idol. Hopefully I will learn to draw more strength from my peers too :) I also hope that I can establish super close bonds with the people in the hospice so that my support network would be widened :) However, the idea of having to reach out to ALL my non-Christian loved ones and share the Gospel makes me feel very scared. I don’t know how to discuss spiritual matters with people. I also don’t know how to explain why I am a Christian. I don’t like to challenge others and persuade them to see my point especially if they already have a religion on their own. I am afraid of losing the relationship by spreading the Gospels. But I love them and don’t want them to be condemned to Hell which is everlasting. Haiz… How I wish I am not aware of this truth. Then I wouldn’t have to face it and think of ways to make a difference. I don’t know if they can see where I am coming from. I don’t know if they will loathe me for my desire in seeing them acknowledging Christ as Saviour. I don’t know if I have the endurance to run this race for God. I don’t know if I have the wisdom to do evangelical work – how to be persuasive and not pushy. How to do it in a loving way and in a way that does not frighten people (You need to be a Christian else you will be condemned to Hell). If I were them, I would find this very turn-off. How to go about doing it? How to show that Christ loves us? This is especially daunting when I haven’t settled down in a church yet and don’t have the necessary support network. I cannot take my own sweet time to settle down in a church. The longer I drag, more time is gone. Haiz… Ye shu, jiu wo ba! :)